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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I dream about naps.