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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…