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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Velcro is a ripoff
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...