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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life