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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.