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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.