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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.