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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver