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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.