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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.