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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Gun Control: Use both hands
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.