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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.