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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."