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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?