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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Honk if you are reading this.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Life`s short ... Drink fast