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Never trust a skinny chef
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.