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I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.