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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.