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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?