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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.