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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.