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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.