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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.