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I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.