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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
I am used but in good condition.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.