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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........