Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
I play hard to get along with.