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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You look like I need another drink
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.