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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.