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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.