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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.