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Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!