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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?