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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman