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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(