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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes