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You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Gym update: not there
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch