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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.