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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.