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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.