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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.