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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.