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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.