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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.