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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......