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I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.