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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.