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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
My brain has too many tabs open.
facebooked yo mama!!!