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I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?