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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Gravity is a real downer.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”