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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.