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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
So much to do and so few alibis.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.