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Does this status update make me look fat?
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"