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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.