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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.