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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.