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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.