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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.