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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Gym Update: Not there.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches