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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.